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The Art of Losing Control

Dear self, When you trust God, you don't need all the answers. There is no need to calculate all of your decisions. Trust yourself so you can believe in your choices. If it feels like he likes you, maybe he does. If not, have fun anyway. The Art of Losing Control is being in a constant state of allowing. When things feel good, know that you deserve it. Don't fight against your life's bliss. Give your mind a rest. Learn to live and let live—Master The art of Losing Control.

I grew up in a home where all my choices needed to be justified. I spent the early years of my life explaining to my mother why I was doing this or enjoying that. Who knew that such an upbringing would make decisiveness like mental warfare? My mother expected me to be without flaws which, in turn, made me a people pleaser, so every time I made a choice, it needed to be perfect. Imagine how much time I spent in my head carefully planning all my next steps instead of freely showing up.

As a teenager, I decided I would finally take control of my life and no one could tell me anything. I became an extremely calculated individual, and all my decisions had to make perfect sense to me and only me. I thought I was exercising my freedom, but I had really locked myself in a box.

This way of thinking got me into so much physical trouble but I had no idea my emotional meter was being destroyed, too. Whenever things were out of my control, I used my wits and strategy to create a turning point. And if I couldn't change a narrative, I would run away completely. So, I never really confronted or dealt with sorting out my emotions. This "method of control" was used for every situation in my life, from discipline to decision-making. Over time, I became emotionally unavailable and checked out of feeling anything I did not draft myself. A numbing effect came naturally after so much running and chains of unfortunate events. Emotionally connecting was nearly impossible.

The Art of Losing Control wasn't something I knew about until recently. Most of the reason is that I didn't have a therapist and couldn't understand the culprit of my inner issues. Shoutout to Auntie Tanya (yes, she is such a light in my life, we have become family). Therapy sessions helped me hold a mirror to my soul and heal old wounds I had no idea played such large parts in my current existence. I make life harder than it needs to be by overthinking and creating narratives that don't exist. The results of these behaviors require constant reassurance from outside influence and make it hard to enjoy life the way it is, or people the way they are.

I am amazing. I have so much to offer. I don't have any past connections who haven't tried to come back or wouldn't come back if given the option. I believe this is because I push them away while things are still going well. However, lines of attraction get really blurry when I go back and forth on my decisions, saying one thing "in the moment" and something completely different after overthinking and finding imaginary flaws. Although men love my vibe, being indecisive is a turn-off. I think, think, and think some more until what was seemingly perfect becomes the opposite. I understand this is a form of self-sabotage, used as a means of protection from potential hurt. And recently, I pushed someone away because I couldn't grasp the narrative and my emotions weren't as numb as I'm used to.

I randomly met a guy at a fun place, right? The next day, I saw him again, and we talked for hours as he worked an event I was covering. A few weeks later, we hung out twice. After the second time, I was so in my head that a self-sabotage whirlpool came in, QUICKLY! I told this guy I did not want to see him again for a while; the "while" went from days to weeks, to FOUR MONTHS, in a matter of one conversation. Did I reeeeally want this? Of course not! He is pretty awesome to me for a ton of reasons. So, why did I say it? Because, although I'm aware of my lack of emotional availability and am changing this about myself, I'm still afraid to be vulnerable. So, per my usual, I made things awkward, so that leaving the connection would feel like the "right thing."

Fast forward to right now, I completely friend-zoned this awesome guy and all my friends are shaking their heads... AGAIN! TAH-DA!!! I've done it again. Now, sure, I found a solid reason why this connection would have been a waste of time for us, given our last real conversation. But creating confusion and making assumptions will always manifest doubt, as it did for me in this situation. The Art of Losing Control is something every abundant person masters to live their desired lives.

I can control the way I stand tall and show up every day and that's about it. I've even had trouble in the past deciding how I wanted to exist as my healed self because it's so different from how my past self operated. Control has always been a large factor for me, not just in relationships, but everything! My loved ones say I have OCD and always need to know what is about to happen.

Anyway, had I released the need to be in control, perhaps I could have allowed a guy who put thought into his responses when speaking to me, who had no problem hopping on Google to help with my homework in the middle of a movie night, who was patient with my roller coaster emotions, yet masculine enough to call them out to be who he was going to be to me, without expectation. Life will certainly go on but having control of everything counteracts happiness whetber with friends or lovers. Had I released the need for control, I could chill and watch my favorite feature film of all time, over and over, with someone who knows all the scenes, despite the nostalgia, even if the moment in time was only surface level. Everything doesn't need to be super significant to be enjoyed.

Nonetheless, because I had not released the need for control in this situation, he's "gang" now. And the most unfortunate part is that although I would like to repeal my decision, I have not mastered vulnerability over control yet. What does this conversation even sound like?

Losing control is to allow God to reveal himself though life's experiences. When you worry, you take the options away from yourself to just be, love, and manifest. Staying present by unloading your mind through journaling or meditation can reduce anxiety. Making these things a daily routine will slowly but surely help to release your need for being more in control than God.

Being so wrapped up in the outcome of things prohibits us from receiving our blessings in their purest forms. If you're looking for a pink box wrapped with a lavender bow but are surprised with an orange box with a velvet bow, you may not be as appreciative of the orange box, even though it may have all of what you need or want inside. So, you deny it for the pink box, accept whatever is inside of the pink box because you are attached to a man-made outcome, and stick with its contents even if important components are missing. Therfore, unknowingly breaking your own heart or preparing to.

Ruining bliss happens all the time, from friendships to career choices. But don't break your own heart, weaken your tribe, or downgrade what you deserve. Elevation is a birthright. Stay present and confront your emotions like an adult. If a ship has already sailed, apply the lesson of "losing control" to your next stage of life. God is the only power that can control every single thing, anyway. And no human was born with God's secret sauce. So, be kind to yourself. Have grace for your mistakes, allow life to unfold as it was designed for you, and stop getting in your own way.

Don't self-sabotage the Darius Lovehall to your Nina Mosley. Holla.

-Shutup. Shabetti Bashazz

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